We got 5 Pounds of Red Licorice Wheels from Amazon.com. It’s a bulk package of Haribo strawberry licorice wheels, quite possibly the most perfect movie candy ever invented. It just might be the best thing that we have ever purchased. And it only cost $13.

We’ve always liked Haribo gummy candies, and we’ve always liked red licorice wheels. It’s therefore been a little sad every time that we’ve gone to a store and only seen little packages of Haribo black licorice wheels. Where are the red ones, we wonder? Doesn’t the fundamental symmetry of the universe require absolute equality of red and black licorice varieties? Who knows. For whatever reason, we’ve never seen red Haribo licorice wheels at stores, and as far as we knew, they simply did not exist.

The only place that we’d even seen red licorice wheels for sale were at those crappy “bulk bin” candy stores in the mall– and we sometimes went to the mall just to get them. So, imagine our surprise finding not just licorice wheels, but red, Haribo licorice wheels on Amazon– in a FIVE POUND BAG. (And cheap, too.) Thank you lord (FSM), I can die a happy man now.

Okay, so what’s so great about licorice wheels anyway? First and foremost, it is neat-freak food. It’s a super-geeky perfect coil of bite-size tasty goodness. Incredibly neat, convenient and compact. Not only that, it’s two neat layers, neatly stacked on top of one another. (Wouldn’t you just love to see the machine that coils these things?) Secondly, much like a transformer, licorice wheels lead a secret life as a less geometrically perfect object. Just tug on any one of four loose ends on a given wheel and POOF- you now have messy pile licorice string– an entirely different food. Amazing!

You can also think of the wheels as a sort of magical licorice string dispenser. You can begin eating a loose end of the string while the wheel is still (mostly) intact, and conveniently de-reel the output into your gullet. It’s a little bit like having a dental floss dispenser where the dispenser itself is made of dental floss. This aspect of licorice wheels makes them the most perfect movie food ever invented. No need to root around for the last rattling snow-cap in the box– just let another inch out from your licorice reel. What could be more perfect than that? What’s more, it’s really nice to eat something for once that actually encourages you to play with your food. Oh, and did we mention that they are fat free? Finally, it tastes pretty good. It’s no Kookaburra, but hey, what is?

ABOVE: Lenore demonstrates an advanced dual-extension de-reeling maneuver.

You too can get 5 Pounds of Red Licorice Wheels, for only $13. Get two packages (TEN POUNDS– OH MY GOD) for $26, and you qualify for Free Super (slow) Saving Shipping. (Don’t you just love Amazon?) Even if you’re not into red licorice wheels, you heathen, you can get the same deal on black ones, or Haribo raspberries, peaches, cola bottles, gummi bears, frogs, and others.

As an aside, I’m also quite fond of the Haribo gummi frogs, partially because the list of ingredients contains the phrase “Artificial and Natural Flavors.” Gummi Crunchy Frog, anyone?